Scream
by animefanxD
Summary: Sometimes, when Pain becames truly unbearable, when his heart is about to tear out his chest and all breath is trapped; he will go to his cuarters, lock the door and sit on the bed. And then he would simply stare into the wall. Maedhros had become far too good at swallowing. Some musing of Maedhros dealing with pain over time as a b-day present for crackinthecup (ao3)
Sometimes, when Pain becames truly unbearable, when his heart is about to tear out his chest and all breath is trapped; he will go to his cuarters, lock the door and sit on the bed. And then he would simply stare into the wall.

Never the one facing the window though. The brightness of a new dawn, the clear blue of the sky, he couldn´t stand them anymore. Those were not for him. Many times had he asked for the room to be rearranged, so he wouldn´t have to face that damn window every damn morning. But his brother insisted _"Oh let it be Nelyo please, surely some light will be good for you"_

Always he insists _"Any more darkness in here and I swear our cousin will run an exploration!"_

But Antarfindë was no more. And Macalaurë had no idea of what was good for him.

 _He_ didn´t have any idea of what was good for him.

Not even Finno knew anymore. _((And in some hidden part of his mind, he wondered if Father would have, he always seemed to know everything, always so sure...not like him. He wasn´t sure about anything nowadays))_

Nothing seemed to make sense any longer, always changing, intangible, dancing between his fingers. Mocking him and dissapearing out of reach, before he could touch. _((But he only has one hand and only five fingers and ten toes remain and he doesn´t think they will be enough. They never were))_

Everything seems to be a play these days.

He plays to be a soldier, and a politician, and a general and a friend and a brother.

He plays being a leader, and the family figurehead _((can a family be made just of two he wonders?))_

The words he speaks taste like sand. His strategies build castles that so easily crumble.

 _Pathetic_

Sometimes he plays _**((played))**_ , to be a lover too. And his perfomance is _**((was))**_ , so good, even he believes it.

...

He stares at the wall white as marble and swallows his sand and his words and the terrible- _oh so terrible_ \- **cry** that goes along with it all. He swallows until those too reach the great stone his belly is so heavy with. And although the urge to vomit is as present as ever, he does is too afraid of the emptiness.

He stares, not making a sound, praying to whoever deity still listens for the bless of sleep. So in those precious seconds while regaigning consciousness again he could be _Nelyafinwë_ and _Nelyo_ and _**Maitimo**_ once more. If only just for a moment, so he doesn´t have to be Maedhros.

Because Maedhros was **cold** and **hard** and **distant** and _oh so very_ _ **ugly**_. Maedhros knew not how to laugh or smile or be there when he was needed _((always always late, always_ _ **not**_ _\- good-_ _ **enough**_ _))_. Maedhros only knew of pain and suffering and **oaths** and _hurt_ and _dissapointment_.

And everything else Maedhros doesn´t know, he _pretends_.

Maedhros was not real, just an illusion, a proyection. He had to be because _oh God_ , he can not remember when everything came to that, and it can not be real, _please don´t let it be real_ because he does not think he could ever stand being Maedhros.

He hates him, loathes him, so much.

As Kano calls him _Nelyo_ he wants to flinch, he wants to curse and tear off his hair apart by the roots.

When Finno had so lovely whispered _Maitimo_ \- specially with that low tone of his, late in the night, when no one else could hear- ...He had had to be extra careful not to break his abdomen in a million parts and get that fucking stone out of him. With his bare hand if necessary, right then and there.

But Maedhros was great at pretending.

Pretending it doesn´t hurt. Pretending he is fine. Pretending he still knows what he is doing. Pretending he still knows _why_ he is doing it. Pretending that he is **there**.

More than often he has to make sure he wasn´t shouting.

Because Nelyafinwë turned to ashes and floated away ,just like father did , _((Please do not leave_ _ **me**_ _alone Ada))_ and Maitimo was crushed ,like uncle _((was it worth it?, please tell me,_ _ **I**_ _need to know))_. _They_ killed them and then _they_ shaped him into _Maedhros_ and he is a **fake**.

Maedhros, Nelyofinwë, Maitimo, **wass-not-real**.

Actually, very little things were these days. It was ever confusing.

The swelling of his heart was real.

 **-The oath was real-**

The stone inside his stomach was real, real and ever growing

 **-The oath was real-**

His scars _((oh God why are they everywhere))_ were real

His brothers...His younger brothers had been real _((H HoW... wHeRE had hE been?))_

And Finno-

The stump where his right hand was supposed to be was very real.

 **-The oath was real-**

 _Kano_ is real still, the others are gone, shattered like defective mirror pieces and burned away like dry leaves. Macalaurë continues by his side tough. His little brother, - his adorable little brother who would sing to him until he could feel his surrondings no longer, until he won´t remember any other sound apart from his voice- . Even if remaining so makes him forever miserable. However he is _Maglor_ now.

 _Finno_...Findekano had been real. The realest of them all, always he has been, when he was, always... _He_ , he is, _was_ , so... He **ca n no t** -

He can not lose them. Real, real they are, he need them in order not to dissapear. He need them.

They are the ony things left and he .LOse. **ThEm**.

He needs the way back. He is trying to; to find it, to find the way back.

 **For them**

He is trying so very _very_ hard.

Everything Maedhros does only sink them further, kill them faster, taint them redder. And: Oh, He hates him so much.

If only he could kill him.

...

Sometimes Maedhros stares at the white wall of his room. Sometimes the Pain is too strong and when he tries to swallow he can´t. The pain is unbearable but remains inside and he cAn nOt reach it, and when, this time, he tries to vomit he _can´t_

Then he _begins_ tearing apart. _Let´s pain become real again_

 _/ The wall is white no longer /_

 _ **Th3 oAtH iS ReAL**_

* * *

When Findekano died,

and he found his crushedcrashedcracked, broken , limp body laying in a mass of red pulp. He thought he was dreaming, and for a moment felt truly relieved.

Because surely, it couldn´t be real.

Because surely, those golden ribons on the ground couldn´t be Finno´s. It just **coULdn´T bE.**

So he stared, and stared. And everyone, every soldier under his command was staring at him too in return, as if waiting for some terrible thing to happen, ak.

It was happening though.

 _EvEryThiNg WaS sHaMBling._

Yet he was not shouting.

It was _Moryo_ the one who broke the fantasy though, _"Are you alright brother?"_ That little phrase had lost all meaning to him due overuse, but he turned his gaze and stared into his brother´s eyes anyway. There was a confusion on his face that he could not place.

' _Ah but of course'_ , because his little brother hadn´t realiced yet _who_ is-

 _Oh_ _ **GOD**_

Again-

" _Brother"_ the voice is more strangled now. He wants to explain to him, to tell him _'I´m fine'_ , as he always had, because surely **this** couldN´T be HAppening.

Yet, no sound comes out of his mouth.

And when he tries to question Moryo about it, he realizes all the late that his brother is just a blur. H e can n o im.

 _What...? Something is wrong, with his eyes._

 _SomEThinG is wRoNg_

And yet no sound comes out, even though he wants to sHOut and tear the sky appart, and curse _him_ and the Enemy and the Valar and Eru Himself. No sound comes out.

He had become far _too_ good at swallowing.

' _It´s better this way though'_ always he reminds himself. No scream nor shout nor cry - any living creature - could produce could have make **h** _ **i**_ **m** any justice.

So now Maedhros has to cut open, and pry and _mutilate_. Because he can not shout. Because he can not vomit. Because he wasn´t real.

...

And if Kano is once aware of the scars and the red tissue that haven´t been there before. He never questions.

* * *

 _ **/ Th3 EnD is NEaR /**_

* * *

He can feel it, on his bones, on his hand **s**.

 _ **ThE oAtH**_

Almost there.

They are almost done, al-most doNE.

 _ **ThE oAtH ThE oAtH**_

It´s over now, the War is won.

 _/ A Silmaril. This swear we all… /_

They weren´t the ones who ended Him, the Enemy, they weren´t the ones who brought Him down, they weren´t the ones who reclaimed tHeM - _((the silmarils, the jewels, father´s work, father´s oAtH, father´s soul. They have to get tHeM bAcK. They hAve tO))_ \- Yet it doesn´t matter, not who not **how**

 _/ Be he foe or fRiENd, be he foul or clean /_

They have to get them **back**

Once they do, it will be all over. It- It will be. I to.

His brother is nervious, does not want to continue. Maedhros is aware.

" _We can still amend, not everything is lost. Think of the children Nelyo. What would the children say"_

 _/ Neither law, nor love, nor league of swords /_

But they were never theirs _((they have no right, no right to trap them like that. The_ _ **oAtH**_ _is theirs alone))_

" _Please brother I beg you, no more. Let the herald take them Nelyo._ _ **Please**_ _"_

 _/ Elda or Maia or Aftercomer /_

" _We swore Kano, can´t you remember? We swore. We swore_ _ **twice**_ _"_

" _I- We can´t. They will hate us, they too. We have done enough already. They will loathes us even more so. The twins. We...we could go to them now"_

The _twins_ _((which_ _ **twins**_ _are you referring to Kano?))_.

" _Think about the twins brother" The_ _ **twins**_ _he says._

 _/_ _ **Darkness**_ _doom us if our deed faileth…/_

" _THINK_ _ **YOU**_ _ABOUT_ _ **OUR**_ _FAMILY"_ He roars, and his brother is frozen. And his brother is CrYiNg.

 _/ Woe unto world's END! /_

...We have to end it.

 _ **/ This sWeAr wE alL /**_

* * *

They are running, like burglars, like criminals, like the murderers they are. And the feeling is _Oh_ so exilarating.

It had been so long, too long, since the last time they have felt alive. Feeling like living and breathing and- is that a smile on Kano´s face?- Because Finally _Finally_ _**Finally**_

 _ **ThE oAtH ThE oAtH ThE oAtH**_

" _We´ve done it, they are ours now Nelyo!"_

They have done it. Done **Done** _ **Done**_ !

 _((Father, Brothers, do you sEe it? We´ve mAdE it -ThE oAtH- We have dONE it._ _ **All for you**_ _. EVERYthing. It´s over now))_

They have done it, they are far enough, out of reach. They can stop, they can stop running now-

Even if everything else is an inferno around them. They can stop now.

 _We have done it_

Holding, holding them is the only thing letf, get them out of this blasted chest – _((but it´s difficult with just one hand so he breaks it, crushs it on the hot ground. As he have been doing with everything))_ and then it will -

" _Ay... Br-Brother"_

... _No_

" _Ay Nelyo, s-something is. I..I what´s wrong?_ _ **Why**_ _?"_

 **N-O**

" _My hand, I dont, I don´t think it means to...to feel like-"_

 _It BuRNS_

 _"Nelyo. It can not, it can´t. IT´S HURTING ME"_

 _ **IT bURNS**_

 _Th3 JEwEl is bUr-NiNg_

" _OH_ _ **GOD**_ _, Nelyo please. Please do something, you have to-"_ His brother is on the ground _"-You have to-"_ He is sobbing, he is crying _"Oh God Nelyo my hands. My_ _ **hands**_ _"_

...

This can not be real.

This can not be happening, **cAnNoT**

It can not.

Everything, all they have done until- Everything.

 _((For nothing))_

Tyelko, Curvo, Moryo. Telyo

 _((For nothing))_

Ambarto- UmBartO

 _((It can not be. Please, please don´t let it be so. -_ _ **For nothing**_ _\- . Please it can not. He...He_ _ **can´t)**_ _)_

Finno... _Finno_ _Finno_ _**Finno**_

 _(( All for nothing. All because of nothing))_

Nelyafinwë. Maitimo

 _((Everything -_ _ **He**_ _\- It was all for nothing))_

...Father _((_ _ **Why**_ _father? Why are_ _ **you**_ _bUrNinG Us. Why are you bUrNinG the s-S-ships?))_

 **For nothing**

...

His little brother is crying. His little brother is shouting, he is shouting so loudly the earth is bleeding all around him.

' _Kano please, don´t do that...your voice, your beautiful voice Kano, you are going to ruin it'_

He wanted to shout as well, he wanted to cry out.

But _how_ could he ?

 _ **ThE oAtH**_

 _His HAnD is bUrNinG_

 _ **ThE oAtH**_

He can do nothing, he tried everything already and now is- _((late, late, too late always_ _ **late**_ _))_ -

His family. His friends. His love. Himself.

They are all death and it was _((For NoThiNg. They dIEd because of the jEwElS and they meant NoThiNg))_

 _((They aren´t wo ))_

What kind of cry could contain _**THAT**_?

 _His HAnD is bUrNinG_

Kano is screaming, crumbling like millions pieces of glass, and he never thought the voice of his second sibling could ever sound like _**THAT**_

" _NELYO. PLEASE. Nelyo"_

 _His HAnD is bUrNinG sO M U CH_

The earth is breaking.

Everything is red and hot and painful and familiar _(( I´m back_ _ **thEr3**_ _AgAin. BAcK at the MoUnTAiN))_

" _IT HURTS"_

Maedhros doesn´t know what to do. What kind of pain could contain _**THAT**_? What kind of _tearing_ could express _**THAT**_?

 _ **ThE oAtH ThE oAtH ThE oAtH**_

The jEwEL lays next to his little brother. But he can not let go. He wOn´T. **Ain.**

" _Please Nelyo, do SOMETHING. You said-_ _ **You**_ _said once we got them…_ _ **y-you**_ _s a id""_

 _'But Nelyo isn´t here Kano, he never was'_

" _You have to-_ _ **MAKE IT ALRIGHT"**_

What kind of words could contain _**THAT**_?

 _His HAnD is bUrNinG sO M U CH_

 _His_ _ **RigHt**_ _HAnD._

 _The_ _ **RigHt**_ _.The_ _ **RigHt**_ _. The_ _ **RIGHT**_ _._

 _ **Not**_ _the left,_ _ **never**_ _the left._

Everything is burning. The fire is very near, and very _real_ behind him.

 _His_ _ **RigHt**_ _HAnD is_ _ **bUrNinG**_ _ **bUrNinG**_ _ **bUrNinG**_ _and i t´s H rts s ooo m uuu ch_

Everything is hot and red around him and Maedhros can not-

 _/ "Russandol..."/_

He takes an step back

 _/ "Russo..." /_

And another, and another. And then he is turning around.

 _/ "So red Russo, so beautiful, like fire" /_

" _...Nelyo,_ _ **what**_ _. What are you doing?"_

 _/ "It´s like you were burning Russo" /_

" _Please?...Ma- Maedhros"_

' _Ah yes'_ , he could be...he can be _Russandol_ , once more.

He can be _Russandol_. _Russandol_ _**Feänorion**_.

" _Your...-"_ His brother swallows, the voice is a whisper now. He can not hear it _" Your_ _ **left**_ _hand brother...You- You have to let go or-"_

But he wOn´T. **Ain**

 _His_ _ **RigHt**_ _HAnD is_ _ **bUrNinG**_

Russandol turns back. He is not crying, the vapors of the chasm had made his eyes water.

He is _smilling_

 _Ambarto. Father. Nelyafinwë. Maitimo. Finno. Tyelko. Moryo. Curvo. Telyo._ _ **Maedhros**_

It seems fitting _Kanafinwë_ , is the last thing he will face in this world.

His lovely little brother. Russandol is smilling. _He loves him so very much_.

" _...I am sorry Kano"_

" _W-..._ _ **w**_ _ **H**_ _?_ _ **A**_ _ **t**_ _-"_

Then he is falling.

And falling. And falling. And-

 _Ahh there_...finally he can. _Finally_ it comes out-

* * *

 _ **The Scream**_

* * *

' _I´m home '_


End file.
